DISQUS

Steve Schatz · 11 months ago

I saw this article on Tennis Recruiting Network. It fits right in with what Don has to say and what Jack has always supported. Thanks for the great words of wisdom....

Steve

Special Feature
Parental Involvement
by Nick Bottettieri, 2 February 2009
A scratch of the head, an eye-roll after a double fault, a painful wince - children are amazingly perceptive and acutely aware of their parents' reactions to their performance on the court. When that message is one of parental disappointment, the resulting stress can be overwhelming to even the hardiest of characters.

In my half century of working with young people, I've pretty much seen it all. I've witnessed parents develop nervous twitches, eating disorders, hives, ulcers, heart arrhythmias, addictions (the list goes on and on), all directly related to their expectations and the performance level of their children.

The most amazing thing is that in most cases the parents actually believe that their children are completely unaware of the stress the parents are experiencing. Unfortunately, not only are the kids aware of their parents' stress, the stress quickly infiltrates the youngster's own immature and developing nervous system and wreaks havoc on their daily lives, both on the court and off.

As important as a coach's role is in the development of a young athlete, a parent's role is tenfold more important. Due to the complexities of each role, it is almost impossible for one person to assume two different roles. The advantages of having the checks and balances of a three-pronged government are pretty much the same as a three-pronged performance team in which a coach coaches, a parent parents, and a player plays. When one individual attempts to do fulfill the responsibilities of two different roles, the entire team suffers, and disaster can ensue.

In my 50 years experience of working with youngsters and their parents, the one thing that has never changed is that kids need their parents to be parents first. There is nothing more important to the well-being and development of a child than the unconditional love of a parent. There's nothing that I can do on the court to ever replace that. I've seen too many parent-child relationships permanently damaged by a parent making their role as coach more important than their role as parent.

The challenge for both coaches and parents is to find the most effective balance and level of involvement for each individual youngster. This balance is not static, but rather fluid and ever-changing as the child develops physically, technically, psychologically, and emotionally. The key is combining a coach that earns the respect of the team with parents who are confident enough in their role as "parent" to step back and allow the coach to do their job.


If parents do choose to assist in coaching of their child, it is essential that a balanced division of power is established between the parent and the coach. Like the coach, parents must first earn the respect of their child. Notice I did not say "demand" their children's respect... there's a huge difference. Once respect has been earned, then the parent must develop skills to know how to be strict without spoiling the fun; how to communicate effectively; and when to stand firm and when to be flexible.

Extremely involved, over-controlling parents often lose sight of the important goals and become obsessed with visions of grandeur for the children... often, bordering on living vicariously through them. When expectations sprint too far ahead of the child's reality, progress can be significantly curtailed. By focusing only on what a child may do some time in the distant future, their present achievements may go unnoticed. When not properly reinforced, behaviors (good and bad) become extinct. There's nothing wrong with talking about a child's potential, but in order for their true potential to be realized, the emphasis should always be on their day-to-day progress.

It's not easy being a parent, especially when all you truly want is what's best for your child. As a coach, I can tell almost immediately upon meeting a youngster what style of parenting is occurring in their world. I urge all parents to remember the true goal of parenting should always be to help children reach their full potential as human beings. When raised in this environment you end up with adult children who are happy, healthy, and successful in life. And, maybe just maybe, if all the other facets in their world fall into place... a champion on the court.

psteinwedell · 10 months ago

I received this many years ago when my oldest child was entering elite soccer programs. I have used it, reread it, and believe it is all any parent needs to have a great relationship with their athletic child.

Ten Commandments for Parents of Athletes

1) Make sure your children know that win or lose, scared or heroic, you love them,
appreciate their efforts, and are not disappointed in them. This will allow them to
do their best without a fear of failure. Be the person in their life they can look to
for constant positive enforcement.

2) Try your best to be completely honest about your child’s athletic capability, their
competitive attitude, sportsmanship, and actual skill level.

3) Be helpful, but don’t coach them on the way to the rink, pool, or field, or on the
way back, or at breakfast, and so on. It’s tough not to, but it’s a lot tougher for
the child to be inundated with advice, pep talks, and often critical instruction.

4) Teach them to enjoy the thrill of competition, to be out there trying, to be working
to improve their skills and attitudes. Help them to develop the feel for competing, for trying hard, for having fun.

5) Try not to re-live your athletic life through your children in a way that creates
pressure; you fumbled, too, you lost as well as won. You were frightened, you
backed off at times, and you were not always heroic. Don’t pressure them
because of your lost pride.

6) Don’t compete with the coach, undermine the coach’s efforts, or criticize the
coach in the presence of your child.

7) Don’t compare the skill, courage, or attitudes of your children with other
members of the team, at least within his hearing.

8) Get to know the coach so that you can be assured that the philosophy, attitudes,
ethics, and knowledge are such that you are happy to have your child under this
leadership.

9) Always remember that children tend to exaggerate, both when praised and when criticized. Temper your reaction and investigate before overreacting.

10) Make a point of understanding courage, and the fact that it is relative. Some of
us can climb mountains, and are afraid to fight. Some of us will fight, but turn to
jelly if a bee approaches. Everyone is frightened in certain areas. Explain that
courage is not the absence of fear, but a means of doing something in spite of
fear or discomfort.

The job of the parent of an athletic child is a tough one, and it takes a lot of effort to
do it well. It is worth all the effort when you hear your youngster say, “My parents
really helped. I was lucky in this.”